[Ted Narrating] Kids, this is a story about the time your Uncle Marshall...
went before the New York State Judiciary Committee...
a panel that would decide the fate of his career.
He thought he'd open with an icebreaker.
By the way, did I mention those robes really do you all... justice?
I'm just saying that you're all guilty... of looking sharp.
Mr. Eriksen, please.
You're here to discuss your conduct in court...
during the week of November 19, 2012.
Of course, Your Honor.
It all started when a so-called friend from law school...
conned me into believing that he needed my help getting a job...
when, in reality, he stole my firm's strategy...
for our upcoming trial against Gruber Pharmaceuticals...
who'd been polluting a lake upstate.
Turns out, he was representing Gruber.
Win this case or you're fired, Eriksen.
How could you trick me like that?
This is the biggest trial of my career.
Mine too, bro beans.
When I win this trial, I'm gonna buy a new car. Thinking Lambo.
Awesome. I mean, no!
What happened to you? You used to be like the nicest guy ever.
We were bros. More than bros.
We ate brunch together.
And I'll always cherish that.
But after Kara broke my heart again for the millionth time...
I said, "Screw being nice."
Suited up and started lying to get what I want.
That does happen. But you used to want to fight for the little guy.
Little guys pay with little checks.
But you already know that. You're in environmental law.
Marshall, you have a kid.
How are you gonna provide for the little dude's futche?
I'm worried about planet Earth's futche!
That's why I'm gonna kick your ass in this trial.
Sure, you may have swiped our entire strategy for this case...
but I still got some tricks up my sleeve that you know absolutely nothing about.
- Really? - No.
♪♪[Upbeat Pop]
♪♪[Man Vocalizing]
Ripped By mstoll
♪♪[Ends]
[Ted Narrating] Kids, Robin and Barney...
had recently shared an awkward moment.
Whoa. Whoa.
After that, they did what any two mature adults would do.
- Hey! - Hey!
- How are you? - Great. You?
- Good. So good. - Oh, great.
- Good to see you. - You too.
[Ted Narrating] They pretended it never happened.
Guys, this is the biggest case of Marshall's career.
That is why it's so great that we all called in sick to work tomorrow...
so we could be in that courtroom to support him.
- I didn't call in sick. - I called in for all of us.
Uh, I have strep throat. Robin, bronchitis.
Barney, massive hemorrhoids.
Why did you have to say "massive"?
If you're gonna miss work for hemorrhoids, they kind of have to be massive.
I don't wanna sit in a courtroom all day.
I bet you don't wanna sit anywhere with those hemorrhoids.
- [Laughing] - I don't have... Shut up.
Look, you guys wouldn't understand...
but when you have a rap sheet as long as mine...
the last place you want to spend a day is in court.
- [Chuckles] "Rap sheet"? - That's right.
- When I was a teenager, Lily, I was a total badass. - [Scoffs]
You want to talk about teenage badasses?
I was like John Gotti in a training bra.
- [Scoffs] - I'm serious.
In high school, before I started dating Scooter, even he was afraid of me.
♪♪[Whistling "Farmer in the Dell"]
[Siren Wailing In Distance]
Lily coming! Lily coming!
- [Tires Screeching] - [Horn Honking]
You look okay.
Wanna hang out?
Uh, my mom says I'm only allowed three friends, so...
Your mom don't make the rules no more, Scooter.
- My name's Jeff. - Not no more, it ain't.
[Clatters On Ground]
The one part of that story I believe...
is that Scooter only had three friends.
Uh! Here he is. The pride of St. Cloud.
The environmental lawyer we've come to know and love.
He's mean. He's green.
He's not wearing the tie I bought him for the trial, but I'm not gonna mention it.
Marshall... I was gonna say "nice tie"...Eriksen!
- [Cheering] - How you feeling, counselor?
Well, uh, I mean, at first that Brad thing had me rattled...
but now I feel pretty good.
I mean, for one thing, I don't have massive hemorrhoids.
- Sorry, buddy. - I don't have...
More importantly, unlike Brad, I actually have something to fight for.
Pop, because of your precedent-setting legal victory 14 years ago...
kids like me can fish in clean lakes all over the world.
They sure can, champ.
Because when you do one good deed...
[Pops Lips]
It creates a ripple effect.
One good deed leads to another and another.
Man, you're wise.
That's probably why I never felt the need to do drugs or rebel in any way.
[Laughs]
- [Sighs] - Anyhoo.
[Ted Narrating] The next day, we all headed down to court...
to support Uncle Marshall.
[Ted] Yeah.
Wanna know what I looked like at age 15? There it is.
I don't get it. That guy wasn't masturbating.
Yeah, and the waistband of his undies wasn't pulled up to his Cub Scouts neckerchief.
Ted, you were never a badass.
- Au contraire. - Off to a good start.
I was locked up plenty of times as a teenager.
Let's just say Johnny Law was not a fan of Teddy West Side.
Make sure you get my good side, princess.
You guys wanna talk about hassling the fuzz.
Finish that, Scoots.
Okay, let's see some I.D.'s.
Scooter, do you smell bacon?
[Laughs]
Laugh, bitch.
Ha!
- Ha, ha! - I.D. Now. Both of you.
[Sighs]
Which one of you is Yuki Hakutani?
Right here.
So, Yuki, you're 6'1 ", and you were born in 1947?
Congratulations. You can read.
[Screams]
Barney Stinson?
Well, if it isn't Warren Frankel...
Bailiff Warren Frankel, who knows me.
You know, I almost didn't recognize you without handcuffs on.
Yeah, matured quite a bit since the old days.
The only time I'm wearing handcuffs now is, uh, in the bedroom.
Bondage. I get it.
Well, I have to run.
Stay out of trouble.
[Chuckles]
Badass.
In summary, I will prove that Gruber Pharmaceuticals...
wantonly and knowingly polluted Frog Lake...
and, therefore, must pay restitution of no less than $25 million.
Thank you.
How's this for a fact?
Frog Lake is home to a buttload of frogs and birds.
It's so polluted, why don't all those birds fly to a cleaner lake?
Or why don't the frogs just be like, "Hey, birds, can I catch a ride? Ribbit."
Marshall's gonna wipe the floor with this ding-dong.
[Clatters On Floor]
Oops. Seem to have dropped my pen.
Objection. Your Honor, nobody needs this long to pick up a pen.
I'll allow it.
The biggest case of my life, and I'd already lost the jury.
I mean, I've heard of Twelve Angry Men...
but this was more like Twelve Horny Women.
Stay on topic.
I can't compete with Brad.
The jury is in love with him.
During recess, one of those ladies raced across the hall...
to see if she could get a divorce.
And I'm pretty sure there was some funny business going on under that judge's robe.
What you guys saw Brad do was nothing.
He's taking it to a whole other level.
Ladies and... ladies of the jury...
I'm sorry if I seem down.
My girlfriend, Kara, broke up with me last night.
[All] Ohh.
She said I listen too much...
whatever that means.
[All] Ohh.
Can you believe this guy?
Really?
Do I even wanna see what I look like?
Oh. That's like super mean.
Next, Brad brought out his "expert witness."
So, Dr. Bedrosian...
you're saying that even if Gruber Pharmaceuticals' industry-leading drugs...
somehow seeped into Frog Lake...
they could actually be helping the otter population grow thicker coats of fur?
Absolutely.
And for the older birds who maybe don't perform as well in the bedroom as they used to...
could actually be having healthier sex lives?
In my expert opinion... Yes?
Yes.
So Gruber is giving these animals free medicine...
medicine that you or I would have to pay a fortune for...
if we needed help in the bedroom, which I don't.
[All Giggling]
You're so bad. [Chuckles]
But I realized if Brad could call a quack as his star witness...
then so could I.
You'll get that in a second.
- Meet Paddles, the duckling. - [Chirping]
- "Quack." - Continue.
Little Paddles here just spent three months being nursed back to health.
Why?
Well, because he was found in Frog Lake suffering from acute dermatitis.
[All Gasp]
A painful, full-body rash caused by who?
Gruber Pharmaceuticals.
[All Gasping]
For a brief, shining moment...
it looked like I might just win this thing, but then...
I took a field trip to this so-called polluted lake.
If you'll indulge me, I'd like to share my experience.
[Click]
♪♪[Saxophone]
[Brad Narrating] Frog Lake.
Behold nature's beauty.
Polluted?
Polluted with good times.
♪♪[Dance]
♪ You're crazy ♪
[Woman, Breathy Voice] Frog... Lake.
♪♪[Continues]
♪ You're crazy ♪
[No Audible Dialogue]
Frog Lake. Come on in.
Water's fine.
[Bell Dings]
♪ You're crazy ♪♪
♪♪[Stops]
I shot and edited that myself.
Yep. I edit stuff too.
Sorry, Ms. Aldrin, there's no rap sheet under your name.
Oh, you know what?
It must be under my street tag... Numbah One Gunna.
Nope.
Sorry, Number One Gunner. Next!
Those jive-ass turkeys must have lost it.
Well, they're pretty swamped arresting 1970s pimps like yourself.
Lily, let it go. I didn't want to brag...
but I think it's time to acknowledge...
that I was the ultimate teenage badass of this group.
- [All Chuckle] - You were a teen pop star in Canada.
- You sang songs about the mall. - Hey!
There is a dark side to being a rocker on the road north of the 49th.
- [Knocking] - ♪♪[Stereo. Pop]
Ooh, thanks.
- Hey. - We've received some noise complaints, eh.
Can you please lower the music?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.
Sure. [Scoffs]
How about I, uh... I lower the TV too?
Yeah?
[Screams]
[All] Yeah!
Three hours later, I was arrested...
drunk, naked and driving a Zamboni.
Man, that Z.U. I. Drove my insurance through the roof.
[Judge] Please be seated.
Mr. Morris, good seeing you this morning.
Mr. Eriksen, you're here.
Any, uh, final witnesses?
Uh, well, Your Honor, um...
Actually, Your Honor, um, I'm afraid...
- [Scratching] - Mr. Eriksen?
[No Audible Dialogue]
Your Honor, I call Brad Morris to the stand.
- [Murmuring] - Mr. Eriksen, this is highly irregular.
- I would like Mr. Morris to remove his shirt. - I'll allow it.
Objection, Your Honor, on grounds that this is ridonk!
Overruled. Take it off.
[Whirring]
[All Gasping]
Acute dermatitis...
courtesy of Frog Lake...
and Gruber Pharmaceuticals.
[Sighs]
That was badass.
So, in the end, one might say you were forced to do something...
rash?
[All Laughing]
Rash!
You know, I had that one, but Lily told me to cut it.
Uh, anyway, all that was left was the verdict.
"We, the jury, find Gruber Pharmaceuticals...
guilty."
- Yes! - Ohh!
[Whispering] Twenty-five million dollars.
That tie is not only tasteful, it's lucky.
I hereby fine Gruber in the amount of $25,000.
- Court is adjourned. - [Gavel Raps]
Your Honor, 25,000? What just happened?
Son, yes, Gruber Pharmaceuticals probably polluted that lake...
but I'm not gonna ruin an important company...
just because they gave some bird a rash.
But it's thousands of birds and fish and otters and turtles...
I hate to cut you short, but I got tickets to Annie, and my wife is waiting.
You have a wi...
won-wonderful show to see?
Guilty. Ciao.
You best get your mind right, son!
The game is the game, and there ain't no winners.
How many retired gangbangers you know?
Exactly.
[All Yelp]
Barney. [Chuckles]
Check it out. I found my scrapbook from the old days.
We're busy right now. We're scaring kids straight, so we... No, no.
Barney was the youngest member of our Magic Enthusiasts Club years back.
- Famous for escaping from handcuffs. - Handcuffs, huh?
Very tiny hands.
That was his secret. [Chuckles]
See you around, baby hands.
So you don't know the bailiff because you were a badass.
You know him because you guys were in a nerd club together.
Where you dazzled audiences with your sleight of tiny hand.
So I was a late hand-bloomer.
Go ahead, laugh.
Laugh like all the others.
But those magicians pulled off the greatest trick of all.
They accepted me.
Okay, well, to be fair...
I may have slightly exaggerated my badass story too.
[Knocking]
Oh, sorry!
Uh, no thank you, housekeeping. I've already made my bed.
And I only used one washcloth. So, it's...
Congratulations, Miss Sparkles.
On behalf of the Manitoba Hotel and Curling Rink Association...
we'd like to thank you for being the nicest, most well-behaved hotel guest ever.
Oh, yippee!
- What a loser! - Your story's not true either, is it, Ted?
Not at all.
Make sure you get my good side, princess.
[Shutter Clicks]
I left the courthouse that day questioning what I was even doing with my life...
and then that night, I had a dream.
Sorry I failed, Son.
What about your pebble theory, Dad?
One good deed ripples out and makes another and another?
Yeah.
This is what really happens when you throw a pebble into Frog Lake.
The truth is, you can fight your whole life to do good and still get nowhere.
You're wrong. Some good's gonna ripple out of this, Dad.
I promise.
[Roaring]
Oh, great. I've angered the Frog King.
Later that night, some good did ripple out.
[Footsteps Approaching]
[Brad] Hey.
What, are you here to gloat?
No. Came here to thank you.
For reminding me why I got into law in the first place...
to fight for the little guy.
Which is why I said "Hasta la-see-ya" to my firm.
I took a job at your firm, bro beans.
Don't "bro beans" me.
My boss would never hire you after the way you lied to us.
I told him I'd take every last bit of manipulation, deception and accidental pen-dropping...
I used against you guys and put it towards saving the world.
Even if that's true, I'm still not sure that I can forgive you.
Would you object to an 11:15 brunch rezzy for two tomorrow at the Popover Pantry?
I'll allow it.
Yes! The brunch bros are back.
And thank God we were, because...
well, what he said next is the reason that I'm sitting in this chair.
Seriously, thanks, for giving my soul a little redempsh.
And B-T-dubs, that judge was an idiot.
It's people like you...
people with hope and vision and integ...
that should be behind that bench making the calls.
And that's when I realized I wanted to be a judge...
because judges are the ones who can effect real change.
And that's why I'm here before the New York State Judiciary Committee.
I hope that you will consider me for an appointment to a judgeship.
Thank you, Mr. Eriksen. The panel will take this under advisement.
Take your time.
It could be a few months.
- Better tell my wife I won't be home for dinner. - Get out.
- Hey. - Hey.
- How are you? - Uh, great. You?
So gr... [Sighs]
Can we talk about this for a second?
Yeah.
It is super weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Me neither.
So let me just say this.
I'm done.
You don't have to worry anymore.
What do you mean?
I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore.
I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise...
I'm done making a fool of myself.
Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay.
So here's what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna get us two drinks.
Come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples...
on that redhead at the bar with the big, dark nipples.
And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway.
And then you'll tell a funny story about that bitch Patrice at work.
But neither one of us are gonna say...
"Hey, how's it going?" Or "Good to see you"...
because it really will be good to see you.
Think we can swing that?
Yeah, I do.
Badass.
[Chuckles]
Huh.
Thanks for your support, guys. It means a lot.
Hey. We'll call in sick any time you're in trial.
- ♪♪[Whistling "Farmer In The Dell"] - You just won the case.
Lily coming. Lily coming!
Badass.
Ripped By mstoll